Predictable
by nevergoingtofigurethisout
Summary: "Being an open book gives someone else the ability to close it. The abiltiy to rip out all the pages, and erase all the words. I don't want to burn the binding, I don't want to see the ink blur. The book is my heart, and I might give you a papercut as you turn my pages." Mitchie loves Alex, and Alex returns the feeling, but is she too afraid of risks to accept the facts?
1. This is love?

I couldn't seem to see the end. It was all just a repeating cycle of the same thing, and I was sick of it. So here I was, holding the bottle of pills, staring at the label as if I were checking to see how many I could eat without dying. The problem was, my goal was to eat so many I had no choice but to die. The cycle, for me, would end.

I had no suicide note. What was there to say besides goodbye? And my death would have that word all over it. I looked down again, at the pills, and threw them aside. I didn't want to die. Why was I even doing this? Why were these thoughts running through my mind? Then I thought of _her. _

Mitchie. She was the one who had got rid of my suicidal thoughts in the first place. She's the one who made it all disappear, and I had opened up to her like a book. But why? Why had I allowed myself to be opened? Why had I revealed all my pages in a rush as if we had limited time?

I looked around and sighed. My room was full of color and music and _life_, but I didn't feel like being in a room that was communicating joy. I wanted to be in a place that expressed my emotions better.

How cliche, it was raining outside. But right now, I needed the rain. I needed it to cleanse me of my thoughts.

I went outside and let the water run down my face. I kept walking, even though I knew it wasn't good for me to be walking around in the rain without a sweater. Right now, I didn't even care. I let my thoughts travel back to..._ her._

What would she say right now? Firstly, she would tell me to get my butt out of the rain. I allowed myself a small smile. She would ask me what I was doing, why I wasn't messaging her back, why I was avoiding her.

The problem was, I didn't know myself. Well, I kind of knew. It was mostly because of how risky it was too keep talking to her, to stop avoiding her. My own feelings were scaring me, scaring me away from her. It was too risky to stay, too risky to be tempted back into her arms where I knew I belonged. The thing is, I love this girl.

Why is that an issue? You might ask. Why can't you two just get together and live happily ever after?

I shook my head, knowing exactly why.

Firstly, I am a Christian girl. We aren't completely opposed to gay people, but we believe the concept of loving another of the same gender is wrong. My family, my church... what would they say? I love my relationship with Christ. And going out with Mitchie? That would toss it down the drain.

Secondly, we might get together, but I know for a fact it won't be a happily ever after. I hadn't put up any walls, and she hadn't either. I know that I'm going to break her heart, and she'll be left a hollow shell, broken and bruised. She had asked my why we even needed those guards, why we needed to have walls up around our hearts. She didn't know why being an open book was so wrong. I responded,

_Being an open book gives someone else the ability to close it. The abiltiy to rip out all the pages, and erase all the words. An open book, it's too hard to explain it. I don't want to burn the binding, I don't want to see the ink blur. The book is my heart, and I might give you a papercut as you turn my pages. You might find something you never knew that frightens you, and in your effort to tear out the page, you rip out a couple others until everything is falling apart, and all that's left is the cover, leaving behind a shallow person who's lost everything, including themself. _

She apparently hadn't gotten why I was so frightened. She didn't get why I didn't want my heart torn apart, or even gently broken. I just wanted a one hundred percent guarantee I would never get hurt, and that's impossible.

I went back to my house, dripping wet but determined to make her understand. I logged in and wrote in the message box a song, a song that came from my heart. As I wrote the last part, I was crying, the tears mingled with the raindrops lying on my cheeks.

_Can't stand watching you endure aches_

_ I can't stand watching you as my own heart breaks _

_ All because I never warned you, all because of me_

_ That promises are almost impossible to keep_

_ I don't want to cause you greif_

_ Know I know that I'm the theif_

_ That somehow stole your heart with only phrases_

_ I don't want to be your ex, _

_ or the one who stole your heart _

_ by skipping several phases_

_ I think I mighta missed a beat_

_ Cuz my singing's way off key_

_ Your trying to get me back on the song_

_ But I think I might've been crazy all along_

_ To believe that in the end we could seperate and be strong_

_ I don't think I can do both_

_ But I can't hold you close_

_ I just don't see that as fair to you_

_ It'll only end in a bloody mess_

_ Where someone ends up heartless_

_ And the other aching, breaking into two_

_ I just can't see you go away_

_ But this warmth has caused me pain_

_ Somewhere, someone's telling me to let go_

_ You've made me forget about the facts_

_ I've got to study, get them back_

_ The fairytales are making me think we don't have to take it slow_

_ Now it's too late_

_ There's nothing to wait for_

_ No more_

_ The book, I think is closing_

_ And the writer, he is dosing _

_ He's forgotten to finish my last page_

_ So I'm left, alone and frigthened_

_ You sing, and I'm enlightened,_

_ I'm busy wrestling with the lock on the cage_

_ The cage that holds my heart_

_ together_

_ But it's tearing me apart_

_ I will never_

_ Be able to believe in love_

_ I'm missing the word _

_ Oh, love_

_ love_

_ love. _

_ I'm feeling love? _

_ love?_

_ love? _

_ Is that enough? _

_ 'nough_

_ 'nough_

_ But I'll be tough _

_ tough _

_ tough_

_ For you_

_ My book is missing the word_

_ love_

_ love_

_ love. _

_ I'm feeling love?_

_ love?_

_ love?_

_ Is that enough?_

_ 'nough_

_ 'nough_

_ But I'll be tough _

_ tough_

_ tough_

_ For you_

I hit the "Send" box and wiped my nose messily on my hand. The best way, I've found, to express my feelings is in songs. Just talking has never really grasped the full meaning of my emotions, and I know that others relate better to song than to words. I don't know why, but it's just that way.

Mitchie. What would she be thinking when she read this? If I knew her at all, she would still be determined. Determined to believe that we could still work out. Determined to think that we would be together forever. Ah, the dreamer. I miss being a dreamer, but I've been wearing my heart out on my sleeve for way too long, and it was time I tucked it back where it needed to be. The cage I mentioned in the song was metaphorical, but it was where I needed my heart to be. Locked up, unavailabe for stealing.

I'm too scared to jump off a cliff, because I'm not even sure I have my wings yet.

I'm too scrared to try to fly, I'm not even sure my wings are good enough.

I'm too scared to do anything, anymore. Ever since I've stopped speaking to her, I've felt a part of me missing, like my soul was against me and had decided to hang out at her place till I came to my senses and actually messaged her back. But I couldn't even bring myself to look at her name anymore, it was too painful a reminder that I had to say goodbye. I didn't want to. But I had to. It was for my own good.

Love? It's like suicide. Except with this? You can't decide. It's really not your choice, your call, your desicion. It's fates. And with me? He decided I would fall. Hard. For someone I knew I wasn't couldn't be with. Sure, we could be Romeo and Juliet. But we would die in the end, or at least be heartbroken.

I know I'm too young to know love. It's too early to be having feelings this strong, and I refuse to allow them to make me do something stupid.

I'm being cruel, I'm being mean, I'm being heartless. But in the end? Mitchie's going to make it. And me? I'll get through it knowing she's okay.

I couldn't bear the thought of breaking her heart like I know I'll end with.

Sighing, I changed into something more... dry. My wet clothes went in the washer, and I sat in my chair staring at the computer screen.

_Just talk to her._ My thoughts urged. _Just say hello. _

But I knew that I couldn't do it. I knew. Because I might be strong, but I am not invincable. And I know, just know, that getting back to her will end in heartbreak.


	2. Too Risky

Today was day two of life without her. We hadn't even known eachother for long, so why was this so painful?

I stared into my bowl of cereal and watched the cheerios float around, not really interested in eating. I knew that if I tried hard enough, I would be able to get over her, but not until I went through some serious suffering.

Finished with my breakfast, well, done staring at the food, I dumped the bowl in the sink and trudged to my room, where maybe my thoughts wouldn't be so confusing. Jumbled lyrics went through my mind. I looked in the mirror and a verse popped into my head.

_My own image is my demon._

That had been a line from my song called 'Reflection.' I had sent that song to her, and she said she liked it.

Ugh, why did every thought have to eventually lead to Mitchie? She was beautiful, talented, smart, funny... Everything I've ever wanted. Why did fate have to be so cruel? Why did I have to be so vulnerable!

I sat on my bed, wondering what she was doing now. Was she working hard to forget me? Or was she trying to remember the good times we had, before I made us into a mess.

The noteboook I write songs in was calling me to write my emotions down. I got out my pencil, chewed on the eraser, and thought.

Then it was all out in a rush.

_The grass is green, _

_ and the sky is blue_

_ It's just the same _

_ With loving you_

_ The world is round_

_ It has no end_

_ Broken hearts _

_ Never completely mend_

_ So don't leave me standing in the pouring rain_

_ listening to the sad songs in the background _

_ I know the tears leave stains on our hearts_

_ Just like heartbreak doesn't make a sound_

_ It's still there, whether we see it or not. _

_ It's like a stare, burning holes just with a thought_

_ Gasping for air, oxygen can't be bought_

_ Even though we really just can't get enough_

_ It's there, it's in the air, it's love_

_ The sun is hot_

_ Tomorrow isn't real _

_ The stars are far_

_ It takes time to heal _

_ We must believe_

_ in things that have no proof _

_ They're there, we can feel it_

_ Yeah it's true _

_ So don't leave me standing in the pouring rain_

_ listening to the sad songs in the background _

_ I know the tears leave stains on our hearts_

_ Just like heartbreak doesn't make a sound_

_ It's still there, whether we see it or not. _

_ It's like a stare, burning holes just with a thought_

_ Gasping for air, oxygen can't be bought_

_ Even though we really just can't get enough_

_ It's there, it's in the air, it's love_

_ Forever never comes_

_ Addition gives us sums _

_ One plus on is two_

_ Prince charming will have to wait_

_ I'll be a little late_

_ Love plus me is loving you!_

_ Don't leave me without an umbrella to keep me dry_

_ Don't play back all the songs I thought were lies_

_ Don't prove me wrong, oh girl don't even try_

_ I can't get enough, oooooh, of! _

_ Love!_

I put down my pencil and laid back, reading the song over. This is exactly how I was feeling, but I was also too aware of the consequeces of letting myself love. I didn't even know how. When I said I couldn't get enough? It's because, without her, I had none. I was sitting alone in an empty room on my bed, a raincloud of doubts pouring the disbelief on me like buckets of water coming down in a storm. That umbrella I needed? It was my soul. And my soul wasn't really with me at the moment.

I thougth about messaging her. Maybe I would actually be able to tell her why. But I had already told her why. Why I was ignoring her. Why I wasn't talking with her.

This felt like death itself, except it didn't end. It kept tugging at my heart, yanking at it like it was trying to tear it out. I don't know what this feeling is, but it really needs to go, before I take a... a risk.

Most people are afraid of spiders, or storms, or some object.

Me? I'm afraid of doing anything that might get me hurt, emotionally. I don't mind risks like going roller skating, or anything that might get me physically hurt. That has medication, it will eventually fade. But this kind of risk could end in the destruction of my emotional being itself, and I just can't... I can't risk that.

I logged into Facebook and typed "Hey." in the message box. My finger hovered over the mouse, ready to click send.

But I snapped out of it. I shut down my entire computer so the temptation wouldn't haunt me again. What to do?

Usually, I would just read. Reading was my pastime, what I did. It was one of my favorite things to do. I could put myself in the person's character; pretend to be the one being swept of my feet. But now? That only made me jealous. It reminded me of what I didn't have, instead of what I could have like it usually does.

What did that mean? Did that mean I was being a jerk today? I just don't know anymore.

I don't know anything.

I looked into the picture frame on my desk. I had printed out a picture of her and put it there, reminding me of her smiling face. Now, I put the frame face down so I didn't have to see her, and be reminded of how much I was killing us both.


	3. Tripping, Falling

So...

Yesterday had been torture. I had sat there all day, staring at the screen wishing I had the guts to say something. _Anything. _But I knew... even if we tried to make things work, they wouldn't. It was predictable.

I hate how you watch movies and you yell at the people, even though you know they can't hear you. You yell that they're being stupid, and they need to get up the guts to talk to the person they like. I could think of a couple of choice movies that kind of related to what I was going through right now. And, as with every ending, the two got together and lived happily ever after.

But right now? I'm not even sure I _want _a happily ever after if it means I have to take a risk and let myself go to someone I've never even met face to face.

She was so stereotypical, believing in love. Especially love that came from simple messages. I don't know how I even came to think I was in love, and I don't know how I came to the conclusion that I, indeed, was in love with this girl.

How do you deal with something ilke that?

I don't want to just blow her off without saying anything. I really want to be friends with this girl. She's amazing. She has flaws, but everyone has flaws, and Mitchie? She's not afraid to admit that.

The new song Love Will Remember echoed in my head.

_I know inside my heart, forever will forever be ours, even if we try to forget_

_ Love will remember. _

Why that verse of all of them would come to me, I have no idea. I might say goodbye, but I felt that the singer was trying to tell me that even if I did, somewhere in my heart I will never forget Mitchie, or whatever we may have had. Honestly, I think I'm still in love. Sitting here, on my computer, with my Facebook tab open. I know she's probably on, wondering if I'm going to reply. All I have to do is click the little chat box, and my chat will turn back on. I don't even have the stomach to do that. How sad am I?

The world wasn't fair. Why did I have to fall for someone I couldn't be with? And online? Is this girl even who she is?

Somehow, I knew she was telling the truth. But I didn't want to think about it. I kept pushing my feelings down, into a little bottle, and somehow fitting that cork back on. But I know that someday I'm going to try to put the lid on and it's not going to fit: and I'm going to explode in an array of different emotions and feelings.

I yelled at my younger brother today for just being himself in his room... I think the cork is already coming loose. I can't handle this anymore, but I can't handle risking both our hearts for a virtual relationship that might not be real.

Ugh, why do I keep saying that? _Might not be real._ Of course I would say that.

I think that I'm making myself angry. At myself. I'm angry that I can't message her back, I'm hurt that she says she'll wait but isn't giving me time to think. I'm sad that I even got myself into this. One message started it all. Just one thank you to a oneshot I wrote for her. Mitchie loved it, she said. I was so happy.

This girl was my inspiration. Now she was my desperation.

I needed her, but I couldn't have her.

I loved her, but I couldn't have her.

I wanted her, but I couldn't have her.

Why can't I have her? My heart screams at me. Why?!

Because, my logic answers, it will only end in a bloody mess.

Ever since I met Mitchie, I had wrote a song every day. Not one of them had been directing towards anything else but her.

Yesterdays had been full of tears. The writing was smudged where some of the drops had fell onto the paper.

Todays was a question.

_I thought I was ready to tell you I love you_

_ I thought I was ready to be there, steady_

_ I thought I was ready to say forever _

_ I thought, I was wrong, I'm not ready_

_ I thought you said you would wait for me_

_ But your cries aren't giving me any time_

_ I thought you said you would be strong_

_ But your pain is the only thing on my mind_

_ I thought, I really need to stop thinking_

_ I floated my boat, but now it is sinking_

_ I tried to swim, I thought I could see land_

_ It was just your outstreched hand_

_ Reaching to help me out of the pain_

_ Ready to play this stupid love game_

_ I can't let myself fall, I can't watch you break_

_ I can't let us fall, there's too much at stake_

_ I thought I was ready for something more_

_ I thought this was good this warmth in my soul _

_ I thought we could be promised no hurting_

_ I'm turning my heart into a black peice of coal_

_ Just cuz I know I need to stop thinking_

_ I floated my boat, but now it is sinking_

_ I tried to swim, I thought I could see land_

_ It was just your outstretched hand. _

_ Reaching to help me out of the pain_

_ Ready to play this stupid love game_

_ I can't let myself fall, I can't watch you break_

_ I can't let us fall, there's too much at stake_

_I can't take you hand, I'll capsize your boat with mine_

_ You don't understand, but I haven't made up my mind_

_ The worst word to say would be goodbye_

_ But if it's what I have to do... can I? _

_ I want to fall, I just can't watch you break_

_ I want us to fall, but there's too much at stake. _

I reread the song and nodded my head. That's exactly how I felt. Maybe, someday, she'll stop being stubborn and see what I'm going through isn't a tiny little decision. This, to me, was life and death.


	4. Goodbye

_ She was all I had _

_ But I gave it up_

_ She taugh me how_

_ Oh, how to love_

_ I told her I _

_ Couldn't risk a thing_

_ She told me I _

_ Could surely dream _

_ I told her I wouldn't make it through the night_

_ Without thinking of her in a different light_

_ I didn't want to go too far into something so short_

_ And I can't stand to take her heart, or anything of the sort _

_ I'm gonna tie my shoes, so I don't trip and fall_

_ I'm gonna grow my wings, and answer the call_

_ I'm gonna get stronger for the next time I run into a wall_

_ I'm gonna get faster, this time I won't stall_

_ But I made some wrong choices _

_ Couldn't hear through all the noises_

_ Yeah, I didn't think it through_

_ Now I'm stuck here like it's glue_

_ I can't sleep at night knowing that she's breaking_

_ But I can't live awake, knowing that I'm making _

_ A big mess, _

_ But I'm doing my best_

_ She was all I had _

_ But it was too much_

_ I would never get_

_ To feel her touch_

_ I told her I_

_ Was going to hurt her_

_ She told me I_

_ Would never hurt her_

_ I told her I wouldn't make it through the night_

_ Without thinking of her in a different light_

_ I didn't want to go too far into something so short_

_ And I can't stand to take her heart, or anything of the sort _

_ I'm gonna tie my shoes, so I don't trip and fall_

_ I'm gonna grow my wings, and answer the call_

_ I'm gonna get stronger for the next time I run into a wall_

_ I'm gonna get faster, this time I won't stall_

_ But I made some wrong choices _

_ Couldn't hear through all the noises_

_ Yeah, I didn't think it through_

_ Now I'm stuck here like it's glue_

_ I can't sleep at night knowing that she's breaking_

_ But I can't live awake, knowing that I'm making _

_ A big mess, _

_ But I'm doing my best_

_ You relied me So I'll lie here forever awake_

_ I tried to love, but it only ended in heartbreak_

_ I knew I was never meant to be a princess_

_ I knew I would only make a... mess._

I logged on to my Facebook and sent her a simple message with one word that would kill me.

Goodbye.


End file.
